SO, CHANGE has come to America. And it is a new day and a new dawn, but forget all that - the big issue on the internet was That Dress'. Michelle Obama's frock on victory night was an extraordinary fashion statement. But what was she trying to say? That Goth is alive and well and living in the White House? All it needed was holed fishnets and one of those teddy bears on a hangman's noose. I'm pretty sure I saw a dress just like it in the window of Whiplash Trash.
Now, I don't want to sound unkind or bitchy here - I'm a serious political commentator, you know. Michelle is a beautiful and intelligent woman, a black Jackie O who should wear anything she likes, and the wilder the better. I much prefer her way of dressing to the plastic-fantastic style of Cindy McCain. But Michelle's lurid sartorial intervention in Grant Park on Tuesday night simply cried out for semiological deconstruction, if not psychoanalysis.
Maybe it's just me, but I couldn't help thinking about splattered blood. A butcher's apron. Black widows. Was she hooking into the white man's subliminal fears about black power? Rivers of blood? Or, more darkly, was she alluding at the great unmentionable in this campaign, the constant threat of assassination? A black woman covered with splattered red. Was she unconsciously expressing the fear for her family of being in the firing line? Let's not go there.
Or perhaps she'd just stepped in from the abattoir after murdering a few puppies to make a coat. Which segues neatly to the other great issue of the hour: puppygate. What is the First Pooch going to be called, the one Barack promised to his daughters Malia and Sasha as compensation for losing their father to the campaign trail? Lipstick, obviously, if it's a pit bull - everyone got that. Pit bulls are apparently rather good house pets, which not many people know.
But then the American Kennel Club stepped in boringly with a survey of its 40,000 members which suggested a rather different breed: a hypoallergenic labradoodle. No, I'm not making this up. It's a cross between a labrador and a poodle, and bred not to cause allergies - because the Obama children are a little sensitive. Also on the hypoallergenic hit-list was a schnoodle and a cockapoo. These are, respectively, a schnauzer crossed with a poodle, and a cocker spaniel crossed with a poodle. I never knew that poodles got around so much - must be all that shaving.
Apparently, Malia has her heart set on a goldendoodle, which is a poodle crossed with a golden retriever. Why can't they just have a dog? We hold these truths to be self evident, that all canines are created equal. As the president pointed out, he is himself a mutt.